The Fallout 101
by Journeyman-93
Summary: Not vault 101... my fourth 101 comedy list, dedicated to Fallout 3 and New Vegas. As usual, it features breaks in the fourth wall, references to other stuff and a bout of stupidity. A lonely wanderer is bound to run into trouble, but just how much? Time for the wanderer to write it all down. Rated T for language and references to violence.


_**Since these 101 lists are getting popular, I decided to make one for Fallout 3 and New Vegas. This is from a first person perspective and is more of a "to do" list. Some of these are actual problems I have in the game, some break the fourth wall and others are just for fun.  
This is also a response to a request from a guest who wants me to do more 101s.**_

* * *

So, I've been wandering these wastelands for a few years now, and I've seen and done some pretty strange things. I don't suppose strange covers trying to fly a vertibird with no training. I don't think the owners were very happy about the mess.

So, after breaking a few limbs, standing on a few mines and generally getting into more trouble than I'd care to talk about, I decided to make a little list of things I should do. Here goes nothing.

* * *

_Keep equipment fixed._

_Only use stimpaks when really necessary._

_Learn to play roulette and caravan._

_Stop losing at blackjack_

_Don't challenge a Deathclaw to a boxing match._

_Never perform a lobotomy on a robo-brain._

_Use the right ammo type for the job, Caesar's Legionaires armour, even if it is a bit crap._

_Avoid spears to the knee._

_Avoid rockets to the face._

_Really avoid mini-nukes to anywhere!_

_Stop spending too many caps on too much ammo._

_Make friends, not enemies. Or corpses._

_Stop hunting Dragons, wrong game._

_Bashing or kicking doors and containers might save a few bobby pins._

_Why not them blow them up?_

_Stop writing "I hate computers" on every locked terminal._

_Check those damn corners!_

_Try aiming for the chest instead of the head._

_Also, try using a silencer._

_Use VATS more often._

_No more mucking around in radioactive areas. That sixth toe is irritating._

_Lose the sixth toe._

_Grenades for coyotes are overkill, even if it saves bullets._

_Stop pissing off Caesar's Legion at every opportunity._

_Never fall asleep in the wasteland again; death by radroach would be embarrassing._

_Take cover. Please._

_Stop planning to build the discombobulator cannon._

_Build a fortress._

_No shouting, wrong game for the Thu'um._

_A kitchen knife versus a Cazadore is a bad match. A very bad match._

_Never walk into the Dunwich building again._

_Never climb up a satellite dish and jump off for the hell of it, at least not without a parachute._

_The two man (three if you count EDE) assault on The Fort wasn't the smartest or most painless idea in the world. Next time, bring an army and a minigun. Or three._

_Stop trying to force locks open._

_Stop trying to find Area 51._

_Stop looking for aliens; it didn't go well last time._

_Stop listening to the weather reports in the Mojave, the weather is always the same. Just go to Zion for variation._

_Curiosity kills, learn this lesson._

_Never go looking for a lost casino again. One bout of exploding collars, fatal dust clouds, hostile holograms and weird gasmask people is enough for one life._

_Ghost People do not ask "are you my mummy?"_

_Make a chainsaw attachment for an assault rifle._

_Find proper climbing equipment. The record of 100 broken legs in one month is embarrassing._

_Shouting "let's rock!" with a minigun isn't very impressive anymore._

_Never hunt Legendary creatures again. They have nothing to do with Halo._

_Stop trying to unbalance or trip the Securitrons._

_The aliens are not related to Paul._

_Cease making fun of the Legion by saying that their soldiers wear skirts._

_The Big MT does not provide Praxis kits or any biomods._

_Stop challenging Cass to drinking competitions, she always wins._

_The Tribals in Zion Canyon are not Red Indians._

_Don't challenge Veronica to another boxing match, even without power fists._

_Don't challenge Boone to a shooting competition._

_Trogs are not related to Gollum._

_Never go looking for a lost science facility ever again. Becoming a test subject was odd, but talking to your own brain is downright weird._

_Shotgun to the face doesn't solve everything._

_Swift kick to the crotch doesn't solve everything either._

_Stop wasting bullets trying to snipe cazadors. For once, machineguns and shotguns are appropriate._

_Avoid the Divide, the wasteland is harsh enough but no wastelander is planning to fire a nuclear missile._

_Stop trying to find a way inside the Gun Runner's vending station._

_Refrain from using mines. Boone is still in a bad mood._

_The Mojave Brotherhood of Steel is not as friendly as the Capital Wasteland Brotherhood, stop trying to make friends; it didn't go well on the first attempt. (See note regarding explosive collars)_

_Power fist to the crotch doesn't always work, it depends on the enemy._

_Enclave soldiers are not related to Stormtroopers._

_Stop trying to build an M35 Mako. Nobody sells Mass Effect technology._

_Stop trying to tame nightstalkers; they're not as friendly as dogs._

_Never attempt to tame a Deathclaw._

_Lobotomites are not related to Strogg._

_There aren't really any zombies in the wasteland, a zombie plan isn't necessary. There aren't any pubs to hide in either._

_There is no proper law enforcement in the wasteland, but don't attempt to make one. The destruction would be immense._

_The Brotherhood of Steel has nothing to do with the Templars._

_Raiders are not "target practice" or "Fallout bandits", they are armed and dangerous._

_Stop searching for vertibirds. You have no experience as a pilot._

_"How hard can it be?" does not boost anybody's confidence._

_Nobody is interested in a racetrack, nobody can drive and all the cars are wrecked._

_Nobody is stupid enough to join you in a Deathclaw hunt._

_Plasma weapons have nothing to with the "Covenant"._

_Stop trying to make a suit of MJOLNIR armour._

_Zion Canyon has nothing to do with "Blood Gulch"._

_Stop breaking the world (crashing the game)._

_Cazadors are not vulnerable to fly sprays. Therefore inventing a large sprayer is not going to work. Use a flamer instead._

_Don't make a gun that fires live Deathclaws at things. It just wouldn't end well._

_Stop trying to instigate a war between lakelurks and mirelurks. It's not just a waste of time; it's also a bad idea no matter who wins._

_Androids are not hunted by Blade Runners in the wasteland._

_There is no wasteland dating service. Stop trying to make one too. That client is still pissed off about his blind date with a Radscorpion._

_The Dunwich building's problems cannot be solved by Ghostbusters for two reasons. One: There aren't any Ghostbusters around. Two: The ghosts aren't the problem, the feral ghouls are._

_"Sorry about the mess" does not deal with the result of a bar brawl/shootout._

_Loot bodies after fights! Talon Company does not wait for a victim to finish taking caps and ammo._

_Take a break from bounty hunting. The Regulators are almost bankrupt._

_There are no states called Europe, Pluto or Denial._

_The Mr Sandman perk has nothing to do with Dishonored or Assassin's Creed._

_Stop mocking the Republic of Dave's "army". It might consist of one man who can't aim down sights, but that's not the point._

_Stop running into dangerous places to retrieve Bobbleheads or odd bits of loot._

_Stop forgetting to aim, especially when using a rocket launcher._

_"But he got in the way" is not a great apology for shooting somebody._

_James has nothing to do with Jedi. He doesn't use electric chairs or start gunfights either._

_There is no Rapture, stop trying to find it._

_Pip-boys do not play computer games._

_Stop trying to make a wasteland wildlife documentary. People have tried and failed for many reasons._

_Pick the right weapon for the job. A Xuanlong assault rifle vs. a Behemoth isn't the greatest match and a mini-nuke vs. a mole rat is just a waste._

_Consider encouraging people instead of saying "that is why I have often failed where others have succeeded." Don't leave them in suspense._

_Mine fields do not belong to people and they are not filled with mushrooms. Also, when somebody tries to help you out, take them seriously, there is no need to debate about the length of a step or if right is somebody else's right._

* * *

A little longer than I'd planned, way longer. I didn't think that I was that bad.

But it's something to consider. Now, I won't take on a Deathclaw with boxing gloves, but a power-fist couldn't be any worse, could it? On seconds thoughts, I'll just solve that problem with the universal solution to practically anything: a big gun and high explosives.

* * *

_**There you go. Trickier than the others, but still possible, with plenty of humorous references, I hope.**_

_**I am planning more, I'm certainly going to do something funny for **_**The Elder Scrolls.**


End file.
